Jason’s Awards

MVP: Aubrey Huff .294/17/54. It’s the bottom of the 9th. Giants down by 2, two men on, two out. AT&T has that slightly excited, slightly we’re screwed feeling that seems to pervade more than the garlic smell  And up strides Huff Hogan.  Now just picture his face superimposed over Hogan’s and tell me the place wouldn’t go nuts.

CY Young: Brian Wilson 1.98 ERA, 22 SV. In a year where Lincecum is not pitching like Sandy Koufax every time out Wilson has become, well, less scary? Is less scary enough to earn a award? no. But if it weren’t for a Jayson Werth bloop double his numbers would be even more eye popping, as opposed to the eye pooping walks of yester-season.

ROY: Buster Posey .308/6/20. He’s magic inside. What is there really to say? He has lived up to expectations. Despite the fact that it seemed like the brain-trust was convinced he would just burst into tears if given the opportunity to catch the staff. Still though, he has not been given the chance to catch the golden calf Lincecum yet.

Josh’s Awards

MVP: Aubrey Huff .294/.380/.548 – The best $3 million the club has spent on this decade, unless you count the purchase of one of those old timey vibrating belts for when Bengie was on the team (yes, you will get a lot of Bengie jokes from me. Get used to it). Remember when Huff was signed and everyone said Well, if he can have a year like he did in 2008, it’ll be a brilliant signing! BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! And we, as fatalistic Giant’s fans thought WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! Well guess what: better than we thought. Just look at that sparkling on base percentage, to boot. Dude is taking walks. Aaron Rowand struck out just reading this paragraph.

Cy Young: Sergio Romo 2.36 ERA, .932 WHIP, 5 K/BB Ratio: Alright, alright, take it easy. Yes, he has had bouts with walkoff-itis but Romo has been on lockdown mode coming out of the bullpen in late innings all season. Even was he was in Bochy’s (and my) doghouse for giving up that homer to Manny at Dodger’s Maximum Security Stadium and was banished to quasi-mop up duty, he was still on lockdown mode. From a club that leads the majors in walks (354 and counting!) having a mostly strike thrower like Romo is a deadly weapon indeed. Also his slider moves like that razor-sharp disk from Predator 2. You heard me, Gary Busey.

ROY: Buster Posey .333/.371/.519/9001: That extra number on the end there can stand for whatever you want. Just note that it’s over 9000. It’s a damn good thing that Posey came up and hit like a monster, or else my tummy tells me that fearless leader would have him sitting in the dugout, buttering bagels for Big Money Molina and catching Joe Martinez‘ side sessions. He went through a little slump there after the league adjusted to him but like any great player, he adjusted right back and is currently tearing the cover off of the ball. He has power to all fields, takes a beating behind the plate and can cure physical ailments simply by placing his hands on them and whispering “Seminoles.” Also, he’s slugging .519 and he hit two home runs with a grand slam against the Brewers this past week. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I guarantee that Buster Posey will be the best baseball player of all time. He’s on pace for around 15 home runs but for a guy who was supposed to have “light” power, it’s all gravy.

The LL Cool J Don’t Call it a Comeback, I’m Here for Seven Years Award: Barry Zito 7 Wins, 3.76 ERA, 1.313 WHIP: Some call it one of the worst contracts of all time, some call it the worst contract of all time while others don’t call it anything because they’re too busy drinking an entire bottle of Glenlivet after thinking about his contract. But just like your mother: you’re stuck with him (shut up, Macaulay Culkin). So Sabes brought him across the bay to be the ace of the staff and had Tim Linecum not come bursting onto the scene in a cloud of smoke (don’t inhale it too deeply. Or do.) then AT&T would have burned to the ground already. This year, though, Zeets hasn’t been doing half bad. His groundball rate is in a good place and he’s giving up fewer home runs than last year. I don’t like the stat but he should have at least one or two more wins up there as he was Cained a few times earlier this season. He’s pitching like he has something prove…which he kinda does.

The Noah Lowry ‘Doctors? We Don’t Need No Stinking Doctors’ Award: Freddy Sanchez .289/.347/.367 and Mark DeRosa eh/meh/bwuh: Ostensibly, the Giants have a medical staff. Players are always getting themselves injured and each team should have a group of medical professionals to nurse them back to health (Buster Posey can’t do all of it). So when we keep ending up with players who are broken, you have to start wondering if maybe a change needs to be made somewhere in the medical department. Yes, I know doctoring is not an easy profession but all I’m saying is maybe we should take the medieval route and just have a team barber that performs haircuts, dentistry and can administer the occasional blood-letting.

The Koopa Troopa Award: Edgar Renteria .304/.354/.366: Don’t let those numbers fool you. Most of them are the remnants of a torrid beginning of  April and due to injury, he’s only had 140 AB’s this season. But that’s not what this award is about, this award is about looking just like a turtle from Super Mario Brothers. And he does.

It’s mid-seasons which means meaningless predictions and awards.  Here are our picks for the first half.

Jason’s Awards

NL ROY: Jason Heyward .255/11/45. Someone will have better numbers, doesn’t matter. None of the other rookie candidates carried a team like Heyward did. Hitting .337 in May and doing his best to live up to the obscene hype surrounding him.

AL ROY: Brennan Boesch .345/12/48.  The combination of Boesch and Jackson really has made the loss of Curtis Granderson easy. His name reminds me of a wrestling jobber from the 80′s though so hang on for a drop off.

NL Manager: Bobby Cox .225/9/58. Wisdom: infinite. Age: 69…Wait…?! How in the world is Gandalf  Cox only 69? Leading a team of non-consistent offensive players the Braves hit the break leading the NL East in Cox last year.

AL Manager: Ozzie Guillen Crazy quotient: 15, mind you this is out of 10. No one takes the pressure off their players like Ozzie, question is how long does Kenny Williams wanna put up with it?

AL Cy Young: Cliff Lee 2.34 ERA, 8-3 record, 5 CG. Thank god Lee got traded to an AL team so he won’t get the Sabathia treatment from 2008. Admittedly, the AL crop of pitchers is kinda thin this year.

NL CY Young: Ubaldo Jimenez 2.20 ERA 15-1 record, 113 K. He’s not going to get to 30 wins…right…?

AL MVP: Josh Hamilton .349/22/64. Taking Cabrera would be easy here as well.  But crack addiction beats alcohol addiction every time

NL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez .309/18/56. Because without him this is a .500 team. I don’t care that others have better numbers than him. Its called most “valuable” player, not most “dingerz” player. Who hits cleanup for this team without him? Frankly I wouldn’t put it past Eckstein.

Josh’s Awards

NL ROY: Jason Heyward.251/.366/.455: Because we were never really given a choice. I’m firmly convinced had Strasburg not come up and given ESPN a new shiny thing to look at, we’d be seeing every Heyward start on Mondays and Wednesdays.

AL ROY: Brennan Boesch .345/.402/.600: I’m not going to spend this entire space talking about how smart I was to pick him up in the first week of the season in my fantasy league. I’m also not going to spend it talking about how his sky-high BABIP of .390 is prime for regression in the second half. Instead, I’ll focus on the fact that he’s protecting Miguel Cabrera in the lineup and thriving in that spot. 12HR and 48RBI before the break is nothing to scoff at in a rookie season and th….sorry, Steven Strasburg was on ESPN.

NL Manager: Bud Black: No question that he has an evil genie or a cursed monkey paw. That’s the only explanation for what a ragtag bunch of players like the Padres are still doing in first place at the break. That or they’re a club that’s been relying on their excellent pitching because their less-than-average offense is disappointing with a few key exceptions. Sound familiar?

AL Manager: Ron Washington: OK LOOK! THE TEXAS RANGERS ARE IN FIRST PLACE! OHHHH MAN, WHAT TIME IS IT?! HUH?! OH RIGHT?! THEY’RE *THIS* CLOSE TO CLINCHING THEIR FIRST PLAYOFF SPOT SINCE 1999 IS IT HOT IN HERE?! WITH THE ADDITION OF Cliff Lee THEYLOOKLIKEALOCKTOWINTHEDIVISION! YOU GUYS WANNA GO OUT AND GET SOME THAI FOOD? NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester 11 Wins, 2.78 ERA, 1.09 WHIP: Jon Lester pitches in the murderous and spoooooky AL East, which the media leads me to believe is worse than Fallujah and the Killing Fields combined. Historically, he has a rough start to the year and then rights the ship by May. Like clockwork, Lester had a rough April and then turned on the turbo juice from May onward and has been a monster, making Boston fans forget about Josh Beckett, back to drinking wicked beeahs and being the most obnoxious fans in all of sports.

NL CY Young: Ubaldo Jimenez 2.20 ERA, 113SO, 1.13 WHIP: Although the Giants smacked him around earlier this year, Ubaldo has been giving the rest of the NL the Ubusiness for the better part of the season. Did you know “Ubaldo” means “Fireball” in Spanish? It doesn’t but you know for a second that seemed totally plausible.

AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera .346//.423/.650:  With 75 RBI before the break, he’s like a Juan Gonzales that enjoys the occasional frosty beverage. M-Cab and Boesch have hoisted the Tigers up on their broad, manly shoulders and are trying their best to march them to the top of the division. You hear me Brandon Inge! Do something already!

NL MVP: Joey Votto .313/.420/.589: My blood pressure is still normalizing after I heard that Votto was not elected to the All Star team (I’m coming for you, Omar Infante) but Joey Votto has been quietly dominating the NL Central with the red hot Reds.

Congratulations! You’re the 600th person to use that tired cliche’!

Thanks! What do I win!?

A copy of Stunk and White’s Elements of Style! So you can learn how to write decently, you dumb bastard!

Oh.

In a year where Albert Pujols looks human, my money is on Votto for MVP.